Home Stretch

2 more weeks! YAY! but two more weeks~!!! It has certainly been a rollercoaster of a semester, but not unlike what i've experienced in the past. Somehow, it seems like I end up doing things the hard way, but like my husband says- go big or go home! (i'd rather be home though...)
Just kidding. I've really learned a lot, as the most difficult times generally do impart some pearls of wisdom. I thought for sure i'd be done with research half way through my semester, but looking back, it isn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be and there are so many possibilities ahead of me!
I'm looking to hopefully get published as I realize my data set is so large, and so many possibilities. It has really given me some insight into the work of putting together a thesis, and it really makes it seem endless. I can see how people spend years on their thesis. I could do that, but I don't really want to do that. So this summer I think i want to buckle down and do some research to really see where I may want to go with this whole thesis thing.
A lot can happen in 2 weeks... I will be happy to have some of my life back. :)

FEAR. research. FEAR. research. Fear. papers

I've noticed a theme in my thinking lately. And it is fear alternating with whatever I have to get done. I have to write a paper. Fear. I have to read my data results. Fear. I have to go pick up my son. Fear. etc. etc. etc.

This morning i'm sitting at my desk. I've been sitting here, doing fluffy 'work' (you know the kind- you sit and look like you're busy doing something when really you aren't doing anything, just killing time). And i find myself sighing a lot. I realize that I have been doing this quite a bit lately, and its negatively affecting me. I am stressing out because i have work due. I have work due because i'm in school. And because I chose to come back to school. I actively chose to work full time as a student, and also to work extra hours to cover my school expenses. And it has been a lot more than i expected it to be.

I realized, sitting here this morning, all my stress is due to fear. I'm stressing myself out because instead of doing work ahead of time, like i planned, i put it off because i'm afraid it won't be good enough. I'm afraid it won't sound like all this time I've spent working on my research, all this time I've spent away from my baby and my husband were for nothing. I'm afraid that the publishers, the people reading my paper will look at me and say "You spent your time doing this??? Why?" and if not verbally asking me, they will at least look at me in stupefied wonder. All this time I could have been catching up with my friends and family will have been spent for nothing. And that is why i ultimately have not written my paper in the past 3 weeks.

I realize that all this is the FEAR that is invading my heart and my mind. I know that i'm smart enough to have an interesting topic. I know i'm smart enough to have at least come up with the concept, and i'm smart enough to have figured out what I needed to do to find out the answers to my questions. And i'm smart enough to get answers to those questions. So why am I letting fear run my life?

So i guess that is ultimately the proper question, and the answers are so different for everyone.  Maybe that is what causes writers block? At least for me, that is what appears to be causing my writers block. And I can either let it run my educational career, or not. Breaking it down into small steps I think is a great first step. Then let it go,  i think once i start writing, it will flow by itself into a paper. Just need to start. 

UGH! but yay, I think

Sooooo.....i'm very frustrated with myself over this whole process. I did not get it done and was not able to submit to NCA. I thought I could do it until monday when I realized it was not going to be in any way close to submission quality work. It was difficult to let my instructor know, and it was difficult to acknowledge to myself that I did not meet my goal for the class for the semester.

But seeing as how this is the very first complete research project i've ever done, i think I did pretty well. I mean, i've done other research projects, but this was the first one that i've ever worked on from conceiving the idea to researching literature to making a survey to submission to IRB. Then to actually have interviews and -ugh- transcription to putting it all together. For someone who just a couple years ago was totally not into research at all, this was a surprisingly invigorating class project.

That being said, i'm surprised that overall, this class has not deterred me at all in continuing my studies and completing this degree. So, this is a good thing. I'm actually excited to continue to do more research and more projects. This project has really opened my eyes to how much work goes into the thinking process of the project, in addition to the process of actually reading/gathering data/writing it up. I've come to realize there are so many more avenue of possibility open right now.

I am a bit confused though. I had thought that we were not going to be presenting our projects to the class or community, however, we just received an email stating that we were going to be doing just that. So even though i'm glad to be done, and i feel fairly confident in my project, i'm still a bit daunted by presenting it. To other researchers. I guess i feel a bit like i'm not quite on par with the other researchers I know. However, I know that the more I do, the more I push myself and push my comfort zone, the more I will grow. This is not unlike when I first began working as a PA. I felt kinda lost, and a lot confused but I knew where to go to ask for help. And such as it is with this program. So since I have to present my work, i'm glad it is with my cohort of researchers. At least we have all felt the struggle this semester and know first hand what has gone into it.

And thats pretty cool.