FEAR. research. FEAR. research. Fear. papers

I've noticed a theme in my thinking lately. And it is fear alternating with whatever I have to get done. I have to write a paper. Fear. I have to read my data results. Fear. I have to go pick up my son. Fear. etc. etc. etc.

This morning i'm sitting at my desk. I've been sitting here, doing fluffy 'work' (you know the kind- you sit and look like you're busy doing something when really you aren't doing anything, just killing time). And i find myself sighing a lot. I realize that I have been doing this quite a bit lately, and its negatively affecting me. I am stressing out because i have work due. I have work due because i'm in school. And because I chose to come back to school. I actively chose to work full time as a student, and also to work extra hours to cover my school expenses. And it has been a lot more than i expected it to be.

I realized, sitting here this morning, all my stress is due to fear. I'm stressing myself out because instead of doing work ahead of time, like i planned, i put it off because i'm afraid it won't be good enough. I'm afraid it won't sound like all this time I've spent working on my research, all this time I've spent away from my baby and my husband were for nothing. I'm afraid that the publishers, the people reading my paper will look at me and say "You spent your time doing this??? Why?" and if not verbally asking me, they will at least look at me in stupefied wonder. All this time I could have been catching up with my friends and family will have been spent for nothing. And that is why i ultimately have not written my paper in the past 3 weeks.

I realize that all this is the FEAR that is invading my heart and my mind. I know that i'm smart enough to have an interesting topic. I know i'm smart enough to have at least come up with the concept, and i'm smart enough to have figured out what I needed to do to find out the answers to my questions. And i'm smart enough to get answers to those questions. So why am I letting fear run my life?

So i guess that is ultimately the proper question, and the answers are so different for everyone.  Maybe that is what causes writers block? At least for me, that is what appears to be causing my writers block. And I can either let it run my educational career, or not. Breaking it down into small steps I think is a great first step. Then let it go,  i think once i start writing, it will flow by itself into a paper. Just need to start.